


My Veins Are Busy, But Heart's In Atrophy

by GeryonWoods



Series: Days & Ways: The Art Of Scraping By [2]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blood, Blood and Injury, Clexa babies, Clexa family, Drama & Romance, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Pregnant Clarke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-22
Updated: 2017-06-22
Packaged: 2018-11-17 06:04:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11269470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GeryonWoods/pseuds/GeryonWoods
Summary: "Peacetime and happiness had lulled Lexa into a misguided sense of safety and comfort. Life was perfect for Lexa and Clarke...almost too perfect. She should've known something had to go wrong. Years down the line when she looks back on those days Lexa chastises herself because she should've never let her guard down. Or at the very least not that much."ORLexa survives the bullet and seventeen years later we see what her, Clarke, and the kids are up to. Basically, the canon version of The Incident from my Modern AU.





	My Veins Are Busy, But Heart's In Atrophy

**Author's Note:**

> It's not necessary to have read the full Modern AU to understand all the dynamics at play here because this is very much self contained, but having that knowledge would surely add another layer to everything. Particularly the characters. 
> 
> \---
> 
> I don't have a beta. Any and all errors are mine.

It's been eighteen years since the Dropship crashed onto Trikru land. It's been eighteen years since Lexa laid eyes on the stunning, lionhearted girl who fell from the sky and kept her people alive against all odds. It’s been eighteen years since Lexa discovered love made her strong instead of weak. It's been eighteen years since Lexa’s life changed for the better.  
  
In those years Lexa has accomplished many things as a leader. Lexa ruled over her people justly yet firmly. Along with Clarke, they have brought peace and stability to all Grounders. All thirteen clans prosper in an unprecedented way, in a way humanity hasn't since the bombs and that was all thanks to Lexa's leadership. Removing the looming threats and constant fear of war meant the what was left of the human race could now focus on bettering society. Without negating the fact that she has a more admirable and long lasting legacy than that of any other Commander who preceded her, Lexa considers none of this her greatest achievement. Lexa’s proudest, most memorable, and satisfying moments were as a woman. She could think of six specifically: her wife, her four children, and the fifth one soon to join and round up their family.

* * *

A wedding quickly followed the shooting that nearly robbed Lexa of her life and after five years of only being the two of them, Clarke and Lexa visited Abby to request she help them in their venture to start a family. Eleven months later a baby girl that was equal parts of them arrived.

Costia changed both Clarke and Lexa for the better. She made Clarke less impulsive and made Lexa a better leader. Costia balanced Clarke and Lexa's individual proclivities of being solely head or heart. With Costia around, Clarke fully rose beyond clan loyalties and embraced all Grounders as her own people. Knowing there was a future she needed to assure for her daughter made Lexa more ruthless than ever in her endeavors to maintain the peace.  
  
Sixteen months after Costia took her first breath, Anya joined the family. Three years and nine months after Lexa first became a mother, Jacob made them the happiest they've ever been. Roa came two years after Jake. For a long time they thought Roa was the last member of their little clan but after much nagging from both Lexa and the kids, Clarke was somehow convinced that they needed one more baby in the house and she was now twenty two weeks pregnant with their fifth child.

Lexa’s life was better than she could’ve ever imagined it to be. Her marriage with Clarke was a true and unwavering partnership. Clarke has remained the ambassador for the thirteenth clan since her designation, but it was no secret that Wanheda had power and influence that extended far beyond what any other ambassador had. Clarke and Lexa ruled over the clans together. Equally. They supported and loved each other in ways that Lexa came to discovered existed outside the fantastical stories she once heard as a child.

* * *

It’s been six years since Roa was born and the penthouse overlooking Polis and the villages far beyond is sometimes rowdy enough that the children can he heard cackling or hollering many floors down.

Costia was twelve and just breaking into the bratty teenage years. She looked every bit like Clarke on the outside and that sometimes fooled those who didn’t know her well into missing the fact that she was more like Lexa on the inside. Costia was at once the cerebral and emotional. She was the artist with the stony personality. Costia was undoubtedly a handful that no one could truly reel in, except for one person. Costia got pushed around by Anya more often than she would like to admit. This never ceased to be funny to Clarke and Lexa because Costia was imposing and assertive to everyone and about anything....except when it came to her eleven year old sister. Anya was quiet and soft. She was all heart except when she knew she shouldn’t be and then she became more than slightly intimidating. Roa was the youngest of the girls. Roa came to exist once things were truly peaceful. She's never known a day of unrest. She never knew the threat of war or death or hunger. She overflowed with the most sincere innocence, joy, and wonder her mothers had ever had the pleasure to see. Lexa cherished that more than she would ever admit. To know she was responsible for creating something that pure filled her with gratification. Roa being innocent didn’t mean she wasn’t exasperating somethings. She was definitely the loudest and most rambunctious of the bunch. She was the baby which meant she was completely and utterly spoiled. She was always up to something and it usually tended to not be good because she knew she could get away with it. The things that could come out of her mouth would catch Clarke and Lexa off guard every single time. Roa had yet to develop a filter and said exactly what she was thinking, without fail. Clarke jokes that she is going to stop letting Roa spend time with Raven and Octavia because she's quickly turning into them. Crazy as she may drive them, Roa was a breath of fresh air for Clarke and Lexa.    
  
Then there was eight year old Jake. Jake was their only son and also the only Nightblood Clarke and Lexa had conceived. While his sisters were golden hair and sky colored eyes, Jake was all gangly limbs, forest eyes, and dark wavy hair. He loathes haircuts which meant his hair was long and floppy, the kind long that drove Clarke crazy because he was years overdue for a trim. His hair was the kind of inconveniently long that would constantly get in his face during training. Half the time Lexa had no idea how he managed to see through the bangs that covered his eyes. The simplest way to describe Jake was as a chubby cheeked version of Lexa, but everyone knew that hidden behind that baby fat were sharp and defined cheekbones that would have girls and boys alike drooling after him once puberty came knocking.

That child was awe-inspiring in every sense of the word, but he particularly shone when it came to his future prospects. Jake was wise and level headed showing a natural penchant for diplomacy. When his sisters argued he would step in unprompted and try to find a solution to the problem. Jake was incredibly methodical about everything. Abby joked that her grandson was an old soul. Clarke would usually join in and quip saying that if she hadn’t given birth to him she would almost be sure he was secretly an old man. If his personality wasn’t a surefire sign of what was to come, he also happened to be impressively quick-witted and a more skilled fighter and better with weapons than any of the other Nightbloods combined. This remained true even when Lexa and all previous Commanders were included into the comparison pool. Jake was the undeniable successor even though he was one of the youngest of the class and far from becoming a teenager. Without a shred of a doubt his mothers distilled a winning combination into his genes.  
  
Lexa is quite aware that she shouldn't have favorites, not only amongst her own children but also within the Nightbloods. Lexa wholeheartedly tries not to, but between the time her and Jake share with the rest of the family on top of the hours they train with the other Nightbloods, she sometimes ends up spending more time with Jake in a week than with anyone else including Clarke. Naturally, the bond they have develop transcends what anyone around them can comprehend. Jake **_adores_ ** Lexa and Lexa would pull the moon, the sun, and every planet from the sky for him with her bare hands if he were to request it.  
  
On an almost daily basis, walking back from battle training with the Fleimkepa takes Jake and Lexa hours longer than necessary because they always end up getting themselves into something or another. More often than not they come back covered in mud or wet or just filthy in general and the moment they walk through the door Clarke can do nothing but scan their bodies from head to toe and roll her eyes.  
  
_"Do I even want to know what it was this time?"_  
  
The two of them give each other **_that_ ** look. The one everyone in the family knows carries a million different meanings that only the two of them understand. At that point Clarke usually gives up.  
  
_"Thought so. Go wash up. Dinner is almost ready."_  
  
Jake and Lexa look at each other with a smirk, Lexa tousles his hair, and kisses the top of his head.  
  
_"Go get clean before your mother starts asking me questions."_  
  
The girls would always complain when Clarke would send them to do something with Jake and Lexa because, even though it was completely unintentional on Jake and Lexa’s part, they sometimes felt left out. Jake and Lexa shared a wavelength that no one else could even begin to figure out. They had a way of communicating with each other that surpassed the need for words. Jake was so much like Lexa that he had mastered _The Nod_ and _The Looks_ at an early age and that frequently meant that was all he really needed to get his point across to his mother. It wasn’t uncommon for Jake and Lexa to be walking around the Polis market when one of them would see something, tap the other, and without having to say a word that person would look over and then look back at the one who initiated it before both burst into laughter.

Unfortunately for Jake, his similarities with Lexa had made him infamous. Everyone in the coalition knew of Jake. It was almost a given that he was going to be the next Heda and outside of the Commander’s immediate circle, rumors floated that Jakob Kom Trikru had the same knack for peace and looked like a better political mastermind than his mother. Anyone who was against Lexa was going to be against Jake. Prosperity had done a job at pushing Lexa’s enemies into the shadows, but that didn’t mean they didn’t exist. As the years ticked by a few clan leaders had begun to die and those who replaced them weren’t too fond of Lexa, her methods, or her patience for Skaikru’s obstinence. The people who doubted Lexa fervently believed there needed to be a shake-up in power but they knew removing Lexa alone from the equation wouldn't be sufficient because that would simply be putting another version of her on the throne, one that still had deep loyalties to Skaikru because he was half Skaikru. Both Lexa and Jake needed to be taken out and their time to act had finally come.

Peacetime and happiness had lulled Lexa into a misguided sense of safety and comfort. Life was perfect for Lexa...almost too perfect. She should've known something **_had_ ** to go wrong. Years down the line when she looks back on those days Lexa chastises herself because she should've never let her guard down. Or at the very least not that much.

* * *

It was a warm summer day in June exactly two months shy of Jake’s ninth birthday. It was humid and bright. Lexa couldn’t have pointed a single thing out of the ordinary about this day until it suddenly wasn’t.

Lexa started her morning with meetings and at the cusp of the afternoon assembled the Nightbloods for their daily schooling. That day during physical training Lexa pushed Jake hard. Perhaps too hard. Lexa had high expectations of her son and she was not one to settle for anything but excellence. Jake seemed to be having an off day though. This meant that time and again he got easily overpowered by warriors half as talented as he was during his sparring sessions. Lexa, having already been set off into a prickly mood by one of her ambassadors during the last council meeting, viciously berated Jake in front of the other Nightbloods.  
  
_"This is not your best Jake! If you want to be a good leader you always have to give it your all. Your people's lives depend on it."_  
  
Her vexation caused Lexa to say many things that day, but that was the one that truly stuck with Jake throughout the afternoon. Being a good Heda was all that mattered to Jake. Some little boys dream of being merchants, healers, or builders but all Jake ever wanted to be was like his mom. That day Jake felt he let her down and he was overwhelmingly disappointed in himself for having done so.  
  
After a long and arduous afternoon of fighting, Lexa excused all the other Nightbloods for the day. As Lexa was about to buckle on her jacket and shoulder strap Jake interrupted her.  
  
_"Can we stay longer? I want to go again. If I want to be the best I have to practice."_  
  
_"Very well."_  
  
Lexa swiftly unsheathed her dull training sword and attacked Jake without warning. Jake and Lexa practiced one on one for just over an hour. They stayed at the hill that overlooked the city until they were both sweaty and filthy from rolling on the floor that one time Jake almost bested her.  
  
_"I think that's enough for today."_  
  
_"I can go again!"_  
  
Jake insists earnestly. Lexa walks up to her son and kneels before him so she could be at his eye level.  
  
_"I know you can. You're resilient Jake. It's one of the things that will make you a great Heda if my spirit chooses so when the time comes. One thing great leaders also know is when to rest and your mother has had enough battle for one day."_  
  
_"It's because you're old."_  
  
Lexa laughs and kisses his forehead.  
  
_"Yes...I **am** getting old. Grab your things. Let's go before your mother sends out sentries looking for us." _

At thirty nine years old Lexa was the longest living Commander. By a lot. Sure, her stamina and speed weren’t the same as when she was in her twenties, but she could still best any man who dared challenge her.  
  
_"She worries too much. We're warriors."_  
  
Jake retorts while he attempts to puff himself up to look bigger than what he really is which made Lexa laugh yet again.  
  
Lexa constantly looks back to that moment and thinks that maybe if she wasn't so busy having fun with him she would've heard the rustling in the trees. She would've realized they weren't alone. She finds some comfort in believing there was something she may have been able to do to prevent what was about to happen.

* * *

Jake and Lexa have been walking for less than ten minutes when Lexa notices something unusual and more than a little unsettling. Lexa firmly places her hand on Jake's shoulder to stop him from walking any further. Jake looks back at her confused and he is about to question her when Lexa brings her index finger to her lips. _Quiet_. They aren't alone. Lexa turns to her two guards when two arrows pierce through the foliage hitting the soldiers in the neck simultaneously. They both fall dead to the ground immediately. It's just Lexa and Jake now.  
  
Jake and Lexa look at each other and without having to say a word they take off in a headlong dash through the woods. The men that were keeping themselves hidden before decide to reveal their presence and start falling from the trees.  
  
Two.  
  
Four.  
  
Eight.  
  
Twelve.  
  
Twenty.  
  
Twenty three.  
  
Lexa loses count after that but she's sure there's no less than twenty five.  
  
Their faces are covered. Lexa can't see their tattoos meaning she can't identify the clan or how well trained they might be. One of them rushes for her and she effortlessly slices his neck open.  
  
One down. Many more to go.  
  
Out of the corner of her eye and to the right of Jake, Lexa sees a man heading straight for her son. She grabs a knife from her belt and hurls it at him hitting him in the eye. He’s down.  
  
Two.  
  
Jake and Lexa end up at a new clearing where seven men are already waiting for them. That’s the moment Lexa starts to truly worry. Her body comes to a sudden halt and she instinctively reaches out to Jake.  
  
_"This is treason."_  
  
Lexa snarls at them as the rest of the men that were chasing after them begin to catch up and make it to the open patch of land. There’s a concerning amount of people who's clear goal is to kill them. Her and Jake are surrounded and completely outnumbered. Maybe they would've stood a chance if her two guards had not been slaughtered, but as it stands right now Lexa feels it’s just her against an army of more than thirty men because as good as Jake is she won't risk him in combat.  
  
_"Your fight is with me. Let him go."_ Lexa orders the men while looking around at the group. No one says a word. _"If you let him go I may still spare your lives"._  
  
_"The great Heda.”_ The bearded man that stands at the center of the seven finally speaks. _“Uniter of the twelve clans. The Commander that married one of the invaders who massacred so many of us, who gave murderers part our land, who feeds them from our crops. That Commander now begs for a life. Did you ever stop to think if our people begged for theirs before being shot by Skaikru snakes?"_ The man takes a step towards Jake and Lexa shifts her body pushing Jake behind her and standing between the burly tall warrior and her son. _"Do you ever dream about them? I do...Heda."_

His last word was most definitely used as a pejorative.   
  
_"If you require vengeance for those you have lost, take me. The child has nothing to do with those decisions."_  
  
Lexa could feel Jake's body tremble against hers. Jake looked composed and steely, but he was afraid. He was smart enough to know this situation was life threatening for both of them. Lexa feels her son shake beside her and she instantly knew she had to get them out of there. If she didn't they would both die. Lexa makes a split second decision. She defiantly steps closer to the man in front of her. He begins to speak anew.  
  
_"After you die the Skai murderers do t-"_  
  
Before he could finish his sentence Lexa swiftly pulls out the second knife she kept under her coat and slices his throat down to the bone. His warm blood sprays her face for less than a second before Lexa swiftly pivots to face Jake.  
  
_"Run. Now."_  
  
Jake zooms off in the direction of the city. He has to get help. He has to save his mom. Two of the men immediately go after Jake, the rest of the circle of warriors close around her and without much effort she mows down at least five.  
  
Then Lexa feels it.  
  
That was the unmistakeable burn of a blade ripping open skin and digging into her side. Lexa almost let the searing ache stop her on her tracks, it came so very close to getting the best of her...then she hears Jake shriek. It was the kind of scream that was instinctively born out of inordinate amounts of pain. It was the kind of sound Lexa hoped she would never have to hear in her life. Lexa’s blood curdles when Jake screams again. Then he goes quiet. In that very moment all Lexa knew is that she had to get to him and if these men were standing between her and that goal she had to kill every single one of them.  

* * *

Taking down more than thirty men wasn't easy or speedy and in the process Lexa got stabbed no less than five more times, but when all was said and done, Lexa was the last one still breathing in that clearing. Before the corpse of the last traitor had a chance to hit the floor, Lexa turned and ran in the direction she believes she last heard Jake.  
  
Every step burned. Lexa knew she was badly injured but she wouldn't stop moving. She couldn't.  
  
_"Jake!"_  
  
No answer.  
  
_"Jake!"_  
  
Nothing.

After the second time Lexa calls out for Jake, she notices that when she shouts the pain in her stomach lit like a torch and blood pours out of her at twice the speed.

_"Jok.”_

Lexa mumbles in frustration as she sprints down the forest scanning around the trees trying to spot him

 _“Jakob weron laik you?!"_  
  
Lexa strives to scream once more to see if she will get a response this time, but barely manages to get it out because of the burning and throbbing that spreads across her abdomen.   
  
Lexa figures that tactic will do no good. All she can do is run and that’s what she does. She runs through the trees at breakneck speed until she spots something. Lexa thinks it may be a boot sneaking from behind a tree.  
  
_"Jake."_  
  
Lexa runs towards the tree and finds the boy slumped against the trunk. On the other side, a man four times Jake’s weight lies dead.

_“Jake!”_

Jake evidently put up a brave fight, but his stomach was sliced open. He had been viciously disemboweled. Lexa quickly gathered that Jake had courageously attempted to make it better because his tiny hand - which was now caked in drying black blood - rested over the opening across his gut.

_"Hey! Chek ai au, Jakob!”_

Lexa pleads to him with a sense of desperation she has never felt before but Jake was clammy and pale and his skin was quickly losing warmth.  
  
_“Look at me!”_

Lexa implores her son to react.

 _“Your mother is going to kill me if we don't get home for dinner."_  
  
Lexa begs with everything inside her but Jake is not answering. His pulse is hardly there. He's barely hanging on.

Somewhere deep down Lexa is aware that even if she were physically able to sprint back to Polis’s center, Jake would be gone by the time she got there. Knowing that, Lexa makes a decision. She picks him up, cradles his body, and begins to walk back.

Lexa isn't running, she won’t. She has only minutes left with her son and she's going to make sure he feels nothing but calmness.

Lexa holds him in her arms and she speaks to him tenderly. Lexa softly and lovingly whispers in Jake’s ear the entire time she carries with him. Lexa tells Jake how much they love him. During their walk she confesses how training him was the thing that brought her most fulfillment. Lexa admits how once they found out he was a Nightblood she would come to his crib late at night and weep while holding him just as she was now because she never wanted her children to know what the weight of that responsibility felt like. Lexa tells Jake that her worries soon eased when she realized that he would grow up to be a brave man just as he had been today, like he was doing now.  
  
With every step Lexa can hear the noise of the Polis market becoming clearer. The closer she gets to the city the further she gets from Jake.

Jake had stopped breathing a few hundred yards ago. Lexa felt him go limp in her arms and all she could do now was continue to remind him of how incredibly loved and wanted he had been from the very first day.

* * *

Lexa walks onto the market square. She is favoring her right side which gives her a noticeable limp, she was covered in both red and black blood, and she was carrying the body of her dead son.

Lexa’s people immediately began clearing the path. Within moments the entire market became eerily noiseless except for the strangled sobs that began emanating from different booths. 

Jake and Lexa were known to walk around the stalls every afternoon on their way back from training. They both enjoyed spending time with and getting to know their people. Jake and Lexa were approachable and kind to anyone they came across and that made them beloved by everyone here. The people in Polis knew and cared for Jake and it came as no surprise that they were already mourning him.

* * *

Lexa ceremoniously makes her way to the tower at the center of the city. When she eventually reaches it, she walks inside, and all the way to the elevator. With every step she takes she nears the penthouse. Every step reduces the distance to her family, to her home, and to a life that will never be the same. Each movement heightens this loss. The lesser the distance, the more she begins to feel the acerbity of what has happened.

Lexa hasn't cried so far, not yet, but her eyes begin to brim with tears when she witnesses each guard and handmaiden she bumps into along the halls kneel to pay their respects to her son as she makes her way to the penthouse. They all felt deep admiration and affection for their Commander, for Clarke, and for the children they got to watch grow. They too begin to grieve not only Lexa's loss but theirs.  
  
Lexa walks up to the door of her family’s living quarters. Every single part of her screeches and urges her to turn and flee when she hears laughter coming from inside. Lexa can see the image in her mind. Once the doors open she’ll find a very pregnant Clarke, Costia, Anya, and Roa piled up in one of the couches less than patiently waiting for her and Jake to come home so they could finally eat dinner. It was their daily routine. Lexa was painfully aware that was about to change forever. Lexa wanted to run and spare them. But she couldn't. It would be impossible to escape from this.  
  
The tears in Lexa’s eyes come violently close to spilling over but they hold steady as she keeps her eyes trained on the door and nods. The two guards who knelt by the entryway to the apartment stand. They don't need to be told what this means. In one single motion, they push the heavy wooden doors open for their Hedas.  
  
_"Finally! We're..."_  
  
That's all Costia manages to get out before a high-pitched, frenzied wail leaves her body. The scream causes Clarke to pivot and face the door. Clarke’s body goes on autopilot and before she knows it, Clarke is on her feet and dashing to the door.  
  
Lexa takes deep breaths trying to keep her composure. Lexa doesn't believe she has the right to suffer this loss. In her mind she caused it. She's guilty. She’s the one to blame.

It may have felt like forever to Lexa, but it's probably only been about four seconds since the door opened when Clarke is already standing in front of her.  
  
_"I'm sorry, Clarke."_  
  
That is all Lexa can utter before Clarke rips Jake's body from her arms and lays him carefully on the floor where she begins chest compressions.  
  
_"Get a healer in here. Now!"_  
  
Clarke orders the guards and one of them hurries down the hall. Chaos and panic have set in and the room is filled with unintelligible screaming coming from the girls but for Lexa it feels like time has stopped.  
  
_"It's of no use Clarke. He's gone."_  
  
Clarke is hovering over Jake’s body splayed out on the floor. Somehow he looks smaller to her than he did when she saw him just hours ago.  
  
_"What happened?!"_ Clarke looks at Lexa looking for an answer. Lexa says nothing. _"Lexa!"_  
  
_"We were ambushed. Assassins. Too many of them. I killed most of them except for two. One…”_ Lexa takes a stabilizing breath. “... _one did this and the other got away."_  
  
Clarke continues trying to revive Jake with chest compressions but every time she puts pressure on Jake's torso black blood squirts out from the gaping hole in his stomach and onto Clarke's shirt. Clarke is starting to understand he may indeed be gone but that doesn’t mean she will stop trying to save him. Clarke is determined to stay where she is at, she will do her best. Clarke has decided she’s not moving unless she can bring him back. At least that was her train of thought until she sees Lexa turn on her heels and make a weak effort to stumble towards the door.  
  
In seconds Clarke is on her feet and chasing after Lexa. Clarke grabs Lexa by the elbow and spins her. They’re up close for the first time and Clarke gasps loudly. At this proximity Clarke can properly note how badly hurt Lexa is. Clarke can see a black eye forming. By the swelling she assumes a broken eye socket. Lexa has countless cuts on her face and a busted lip. Because of the amount of pooled blood on her coat, Clarke can immediately guess Lexa has at least three very serious stab wounds in her upper body. All Clarke needs is to glance over Lexa once to know her wife is in bad shape. Clarke can’t behind to comprehend how Lexa is even standing.  
  
_"Where do you think you're going?"_  
  
_"One of them got away. He can't be far."_  
  
_"Lexa, look at yourself. You won't even make it to the elevator."_  
  
Lexa tries to break from the tight grasp Clarke has on her arm, but in her weakened condition Clarke easily overpowers her keeping her in place just as three healers rush into the room.  
  
_"You're not going anywhere."_ Clarke turns to one of the guards. _"Radio Arkadia. Get my mother and Jackson here."_  
  
Lexa tries to back away from Clarke again. It's almost like her skin burns when Clarke touches her.  
  
_"Sit."_  
  
_"I need to go find him."_  
  
_"Sit. Down. Lexa."_  
  
Clarke instructs her as she physically forces Lexa to sit on the couch. She then faces her weeping daughters.   
  
_"Costia, take your sisters to your room."_  
  
_"Mom..."_  
  
_"This isn't a discussion. Go. Now."_  
  
Costia swoops a weeping Roa into her arms and tugs Anya's arm before disappearing down a hallway. Clarke turns to the remaining guard.  
  
_"Heda says one of the men responsible for this got away. I want every warrior in Polis and the nearby villages assembled. Find him and bring him to me alive."_  
  
The guard rushes out of the quarters with clear orders. The only people who remain in the room are Lexa, Clarke, the two healers frantically working around Jake, and the one trying to touch Lexa but who gets continuously pushed away.  
  
Clarke kneels by Jake's body. She takes his cold hand in hers and kisses it as she pushes the blood-soaked hair away from his face giving her room to stroke his forehead. Clarke and the healers look at each other. They don’t need to speak. They all know. There's nothing any of them can do to save him now.

Faced with this realization, Clarke almost gives herself the liberty to breakdown. She almost begins to mourn him, then she hears Lexa bellow authoritatively behind her.    
  
_"Em pleni!"_  
  
Lexa pushes the healer with sufficient strength to send him reeling back and stumbling over a table and onto the floor. Clarke rushes over to Lexa.  
  
_"Look at me. Lexa..."_  
  
Clarke speaks sternly. When Lexa doesn’t comply Clarke grabs her chin to turn her face and force her. Lexa finally brings herself to look at Clarke. Clarke ascertains how deep the pain runs even as Lexa is doing everything in her power to hide it.  
  
_"He's gone. Ok. Jake's gone. He's....I'm...I'm not losing you too. If we don't stop the bleeding now you're going to go into shock and my mother won't be here for a few hours so you're going to lay back and let us do whatever we need to do to keep you stable until she gets here. Understood?"_  
_  
__"Clarke..."_

Lexa attempts to push Clarke away and stand.  
  
_"I wasn't asking for permission Lexa."_  
  
Clarke shoves Lexa back onto the sofa as she tears open the thick coat. Clarke is finally be able to see the extent of Lexa's injuries and it's so much worse than she thought.

* * *

Lexa becomes a shell of who she was in the days that follow Jake's death. The one man who escaped, the man who could answer every single one of Lexa’s questions, the man who could pay with his blood for Jake’s death...he was yet to be be found. Knowing this torments Lexa and the moment she can stand without bleeding from every orifice she leaves.

Lexa stumbles away from Polis in the middle of the night. She doesn't say goodbye to Clarke or the girls. She doesn’t take guards with her. Lexa doesn’t even wait for Jake’s funeral to take place. Lexa has one objective and it is to find the man who got away from her. Lexa needs to locate him in order to piece together who was responsible for her son’s murder and slaughter every single person involved.

For the first in her life, Lexa allows herself to be consumed by something besides the duty to her people. Lexa has not given herself the liberty to cry yet, she is not giving herself room to mourn because she has things to accomplish and that would be a distraction. She has a task list and for now those things keep her focused. She has a clear mission: find the first man, make him talk, find the next one, and then the next one. Lexa tells herself she has to find each and every one of them until she runs out of people to kill. Until blood had it’s required blood.

Lexa does just that.

It takes her months, but justice was repeatedly redeemed with the tip of Lexa’s sword. Nonetheless that somehow isn't sufficient. It doesn't feel like enough. After the fight of the last man on her lengthy list is over, Lexa promptly loses her sense of purpose. She becomes aimless.

* * *

Months after she leaves Polis, Lexa hears a new child was born into the Commander's lineage but even that doesn’t incite her to return. Lexa doesn't feel like she deserves that. That news sounds like happiness and that's the last thing Lexa thinks she's earned.

* * *

One afternoon the door of the home Lexa was staying at is forced open with a bang. Lexa thought she had done a good job at keeping her identity hidden, she felt she had laid low enough that no one would be able to found her until she was ready to be found, however on the other side of the kick that brought her door down was Oktevia Kom Skaikru.

Octavia somehow tracked Lexa down to a remote corner of the twelve original clans and found her living in the house of the last man she killed. Well, living is an overstatement. Lexa was doing nothing more than watch the days pass. She's not good for her family or her people but she also can't bring herself to end her life either so she just...exists.  
  
_“You’re coming with me willingly or not, but either way you’re coming.”_

It took three days and there may have been a few (or a lot) of punches exchanged before Lexa got on one of the two horses she came across once Octavia dragged her outside.

* * *

The ride to Polis is mostly silent except for a few minutes when they talk...or a few minutes when Octavia talks. Octavia talks to Lexa about guilt. About how she felt guilty for so long because if she hadn't snuck out of her room to go to that party on the Ark she wouldn't have been discovered and her mother wouldn't have been floated. Octavia tells Lexa about how she was overpowered by her guilt for so long, just like she knows Lexa is currently experiencing. Octavia had a point to her sharing this and it was to try and to drill into Lexa one thing she had come to learn over the years since her mother's death: it was not her fault. Jake dying was no more Lexa’s responsibility than Aurora dying was Octavia’s. Those men killed Jake, not Lexa. They were to blame, not Lexa. Once Lexa understood that she would be able to start moving past it just like Octavia had with her own remorse.

Lexa never adds anything to that conversation and Octavia decides to let Lexa process what she has said and not push it any further. Neither of them says a word again until a few nights later when Polis comes into view in the distance.  
  
_"You're not the only one who misses him, you know? You left behind anyone who could even begin to understand. Clarke puts on a brave face but I know she's hurting just as bad as you are. Stop acting like you're the only one entitled to being sad about this Lexa, because you're not. We all miss him. And we all loved him. Not just you."_

Lexa locks her jaw and keeps her eyes on the distant flame that burns atop the lone standing building.

* * *

By the time they reach the tower hours later the night is well underway and Polis is sound asleep. Lexa hasn’t seen the city for close to ten months now.

The last time Lexa walked through this market she was holding her dead son in her arms and now that she finds herself here once more all she wants to do is run away like she had done back then. Lexa almost does but before her urges get the best of her, Octavia leans in and whispers.

_"Don't think I won't punch you in the face again."_

Lexa definitely believes Octavia and she continues to ride.

* * *

They make their way into the tower but it all feels different. Heavier. Normally Lexa would've heard laughing and screaming coming from one or all of the kids and even though it’s the middle of the night this place seems extra quiet and lifeless now.

Octavia walks Lexa as far as the double doors that lead to the penthouse just to make sure Lexa walks inside. Once the doors close behind her Lexa is on her own.

Lexa slowly makes her way down the quarters that once felt so familiar but now are absolutely foreign. She turns down the hallway that leads to the bedrooms where her family rests. Or at least that’s what Lexa thinks. There’s so many things Lexa doesn’t know.

There are things Lexa should know like how Costia can't sleep without having nightmares remembering her mother and dead brother walking through the door covered in blood. Lexa is unaware that more often than not Costia sneaks out in the middle of the night to walk through the empty market because it somehow comforts her. Lexa is in the dark about how Costia has had to fill in the hole that Lexa left and she's now sort of become a surrogate mother to her sisters because Clarke started failing at her duties a few weeks after Lexa disappeared. Clarke's doing better now but Costia still feels responsible. Costia believes she needs to be strong for everyone because if she isn't then everything might fall apart for good. Lexa is clueless to the fact that Costia is angry. All the time. Costia is mostly angry because what she could've really used was a hug from Lexa. That's all she needed and the one thing she couldn't get. Lexa doesn’t know any of this and so much more.

Not knowing helps Lexa walks right past Costia’s closed bedroom door until she comes across a door that has been left ajar. That door lead to Jake’s room. Lexa holds her breath as she pushes it open and to her surprise she doesn’t recognize anything about it. All of Jake’s things are gone, they’ve been replaced by a crib and items for the new baby. Lexa wants to walk away but her body does the exact opposite and she moves further inside until she is hovering above the crib that lives in the center of the room.

Lexa stares at the small and peaceful body that lays on the plush mattress. She spends minutes taking in every inch of this new person who is half of her but at the same time a complete stranger. As if sensing the weight of his mother’s gaze, the baby squirms and whimpers in his sleep breaking the still silence of the room and Lexa feels that sound travels directly to her core.

That's her son.

But the son she knew was dead and Lexa had no idea who this newcomer was. Lexa could almost compare him to an intruder. This unknown child being in Jake’s room strikes her as wrong. If Lexa’s feet didn’t feel like they were made of lead she would’ve been out the door and on her way far from Polis already.

She can’t do this. She can’t.

Lexa turns to leave but finds Clarke standing at the door looking at her. Clarke had been standing there for almost as long as Lexa had been in the room so the shock of unexpectedly seeing Lexa has worn off. All Clarke wants to do now is touch her wife if only to make sure she’s not dreaming.

Clarke moves towards Lexa and only stops when they're mere inches apart. Even in the darkness, at this proximity Clarke discerns Lexa’s heavily injured cheekbone.

_"Did one of them do this?"_

Clarke brings her hand to the nasty bruise that has formed on Lexa’s face. Clarke knew about what Lexa had been doing all these months, she was aware of every life Lexa had taken.  
  
_"No. Octavia did."_

Clarke lightly chuckles and shakes her head because when Octavia said she would bring Lexa back even if she had to fight her Clarke didn’t think Octavia meant it literally.

Lexa forces herself to look at Clarke but it only takes instants to realize she can not handle the weight of Clarke’s gaze on her and she looks back down at sleeping baby.

 _"I named him Aden. Like your father.”_ Lexa stares into the crib at the peaceful five month old infant. They both stand in silence for a significant span of time. Lexa’s eyes remain glued to the blond child in the crib and Clarke’s are glued on this person she physically recognizes as her wife but that didn’t feel as such. Clarke takes a deep breath and finally speaks. _“He's a Nightblood."_  
  
With just one sentence Lexa's worst fears have come to life a second time.

**Author's Note:**

> The title is a bit of the lyrics from Hozier's "Sedated":
> 
> "Just a little rush, babe  
> To feel dizzy, to derail the mind of me  
> Just a little hush, babe  
> Our veins are busy but my heart's in atrophy  
> Any way to distract and sedate  
> Adding shadows to the walls of the cave"
> 
> It's quite fitting to what Lexa does after it all goes down. She just needs to distract herself with killing the people responsible in order to not feel anything. Also it played well with the title of the AU. "If Love's So Easy" and "Our Veins Are Busy" rhymed and both titles have the same amount of words. i couldn't help myself. :P
> 
> \---
> 
> This could turn into a whole thing, but it won't because I *loathe* writing canon, but I still think what happened was good so I figured I should share. 
> 
> What do you guys think? Like him dying like this or the way he does in the AU better? Genuinely curious.


End file.
